Smarter Than A Monkey

Good Morning!

I'm not sure if I mentioned this...but my apartment is kind of a piece of shit. It's not quite a crack-den, but my landlord has done a lot of the carpentry by himself...and clearly has no business building cupboards/counter-tops from scratch. So when I told him our bathroom doorknob wasn't closing properly, he said he'd gladly fix it...by replacing it with an even older doorknob from his pile of stuff in the garage. Not surprisingly, this one works even worse than the previous knob. And by "works even worse," I mean, "If you pull on it at all, the thing flies out."

As a result, we've taken to very gingerly closing the door...but it still falls out all the time. It was purely an annoyance until the other day...when I locked myself into the bathroom. Here's what happened:

Usually when the handle flies off, it's when the door is still open and we can just pop it back in and we're back in business. But this time, I managed to close the door shut, while simultaneously pulling the knob out. So to be clear: The knob he's "installed" has two parts - the knob that's inside the bathroom fell off, but the other side (with a long metal piece that goes through the hole in the door to connect with the other knob) was still in there - but you can't put the knob back together from that side. If you just push it in, you knock the long part out. And the door is shut.

Realizing I could be stuck in here awhile, I hold off on panicking, do my business, (washed my hands), then take inventory of the situation: I literally couldn't get out of the bathroom. My roommate/bestie, Lauren, had texted me a half hour before saying she was on her way home, so I was thinking I could just wait it out and have her rescue me when she got home. I sat there for a couple minutes, waiting, and then got too bored.

I attempted to stick my fingers into the hole in the door and grab the metal stick to turn the handle, but no dice. I sat back down to regroup.

Bored again after about 30 seconds, I was now determined to make a break for it, on principle alone. If monkeys can use tools, I sure as hell wasn't going to get stuck in my own bathroom until my roommate came home to me whimpering and scratching at the door to let me out. So I started rummaging through the medicine cabinet for something I could use. I found a bobby pin...which if I learned anything from Hollywood, would totally get me out. It did not work. I just bent the shit out of a perfectly good bobby pin. I tried a nail file, a toothbrush handle and my fingers again, to no avail.

Finally, I found nail clippers that seemed to match the shape of the mechanism, wedged them in there and it turned! Not only was I happy to finally break out, but turns out...spending 2 weeks watching the entire "Prison Break" series actually paid off!

First stop, locked in a bathroom at my own fault...next stop...breaking out of a maximum security prison.

Safe & Sound in Astoria,
Jordan

PS, The entire time I was locked in the bathroom, I kept thinking of R. Kelly's 100-part music video, "Trapped in the Closet" (if you can even call it a music video. They weren't even songs. He was basically just singing a poorly written story). Look forward to my remix, "Trapped in the Bathroom."

Meeting Your Idol Never Goes As Planned.

Hey Readers...(all 2 of you. Shout out to our 1 follower & my father!)

I was just catching up on this weeks' episode of "Kathy Griffin: My Life on the D-List,"and I remembered I never posted about the time I got to meet her!

Little bit o' back-story: I'm a big fan of Kathy Griffin's (yes, I will only refer to her by her first-and-last name. It's what you do with famous people) and love, love, love her show. Not only is she a fellow Ginger, (which automatically makes her more awesome than other non-Ginger comics), but I like her story-telling style of comedy and her sarcasm and self-deprecating humor.

So, on to the point. This was in February, when she was in NYC doing a few shows and stopped by a Barnes & Noble to do a book signing. The good fan that I am, I bought her book when it came out, read it immediately and pretended to be inspired to work harder at stand-up comedy for about a week. So when I heard she was doing a signing, I had to go meet her.

Problem was, it started at 12:30pm, but I had to work at the ice skating rink (I was coaching kid's hockey at the time) and didn't have a break until 1:30pm & had to be back by 3pm. I called the store and they had no clue how long she was staying. The lovely gentleman on the phone said - and I quote - "it could be another couple hours, or another 5 minutes." Game on, friendly gay Barnes & Noble employee.

Reminder to set the scene: this was February and it snowed a lot this winter. I'm in my work snowpants and big old winter jacket that says "COACH" on the back. This was NOT my ideal "Meet Kathy Griffin, Make Her Want to be My Mentor/Adoptive Mother Outfit." And yet, there was no time for a costume change, so "Snow-Mobile Barbie" I would have to be.

As soon as I'm done with my lesson, I throw my snow boots on and start heading downtown. I decided it would be faster to walk the 15 blocks then wait for a subway train that would only take me part-way. A few blocks into the commute, I realized I forgot my phone in my locker...so I have no idea what time it is and start to panic because walking was an awful choice. 15 crowded blocks, dodging tourists, when you're in a hurry seems to take forever. So I start running down 5th avenue...in snow pants and snow boots. Sketcher's "Shape-ups" my ass...you run 15 city blocks in 5lb snow boots and then we can talk about a leg workout. I was actually a little sore the next morning.

So I make it to Barnes & Noble and there's a line all the way through the store and ends up outside. The man at the end is like 57 years-old and looks like a financial guy...my first thought was, "Oh fuck, I'm at the wrong Barnes & Noble...is Rush Limbaugh at this one today?" But I asked him what he was waiting for and sure enough, he was there for Kathy. He said he was getting an autograph for his "wife." Still thinking maybe he was gay. I can't be sure.

I waited in line for like 45 minutes and was able to get my book signed (but since I forgot my phone, I didn't get a picture...sad face). I wanted to get her talking, because it was a very "Hi, sign my book, okay bye" kind of thing. So I told her she was the reason I got into stand-up comedy (not exactly true). She lit up (I knew it would work) and we chatted about comedy for a second. Now, even though this was my plan, I did not have the foresight to actually come up with some other points-of-conversation. I went to the first thing I could think of: we both have red hair. I then told her I got compared to her because I have red hair (a little true), but I'm pretty sure the way I phrased it was "Yeah, I really love doing stand up. And I get compared to you all the time (eye roll)...I guess it's because I'm super funny and have red hair." In retrospect, that probably sounded a little...okay really douchey, but she didn't seem to take offense. At least she didn't roll her eyes back at me.

Feeling like our conversation was sparkling, I decided to continue...i.e. push my luck. I asked her if she needed a warm-up comedian - and I did this thing I tend to do, where I tap the tip of my nose a couple times with my finger as I'm saying something - and she asked me if I was on coke. As in cocaine. Awesome. Couldn't ask for a more perfect meeting with my idol. I'm a douche bag that's on coke. Couldn't wait to tell mom about that one. Needless to say, I did not get that gig.