Why Do The Gays Get Everything?!!?

As I'm sure you've all heard, a high school student, Constance McMillen, was forbidden to bring her girlfriend to prom this year. Melissa sent me this gem today:

Constance McMillen, the lesbian high school student embroiled in a legal flap over her school's prom policy, received a $30,000 scholarship on "The Ellen DeGeneres Show." / AP

I should have pretended to be a lesbian in high school. I think my dad would have bought me my own Chevy Tahoe and tuxedo if he was off the hook for $30K.

Seriously though, it seems like being gay is better than being black these days. From what I hear, it carries about the same weight as far as college applications go. That's ridiculous! Where are the scholarships for white girls who didn't need to over-come adversity, unless you count a muffin top & a prolonged awkward phase that lasted from ages 12 to 19?! I'm just saying, I deserved some monetary compensation for wearing over-sized t-shirts, a baseball cap & black stirrup pants for the better part of a decade.

Now that I'm thinking about it though, I did sort-of claim I was a lesbian on the Census this year. For 2 years, I've lived with my best-friend, Lauren. We spend a lot of time together & went to Hawaii this year on a romantic getaway (Travelocity.com messed up our reservation & we had to share a Queen bed. Like that's never happened to you before). 

As a result, we like to make inappropriate (and often ill-received) jokes about being lesbians/life-partners...To the point where people have asked us if we "like each other...or like-like each other." Because we're 10 years old, apparently.

So obviously, we thought the best (i.e. obviously worst) way to deal with these acusations would be to check "domestic partners" in the "Relationship" section of the census. (Take that, mom! I TOLD you I was straight!!)

I'm wondering if filing for Domestic Partnership comes with a tax break? If so, I'm ready to make this official.

Extra Weight, At-Home Liposuction and You

The following entry is an email exchange we had yesterday. Because we have actual jobs and live in different boroughs (Melissa: Manhattan; Jordan: Astoria), we only get to hang out a couple times a week. To keep in touch/pass the time at work, we email throughout the day.

As we previously mentioned, we come from a more - we’ll say “well fed” – part of the United States. Living in NYC, there are a lot of really pretty, really thin women. We are not these women. Although neither of us are by any means fat, we definitely would love to lose a little weight. I’m just saying, we don’t want to end up on “The Biggest Loser” next season. I think this is the first of many posts of such an exchange.

Melissa: Thanks for so much fun!!

I am so hungry. Mama Bear needs food.

Jordan: I need to lose 20lbs asap. My jeans are so tight. And not in a cute way.

Melissa: You ran 8 miles yesterday. Give yourself a break. The weight will come off. (not implying you need to lose any)

I may lay in bed with a beer tonight. Just to be classy.

Jordan: Let's have a lemonade stand to raise money for lipo?

Melissa: Just to raise enough money to buy another vacuum. We can use the one we have for at-home lipo. Ya know, save a few bucks.

Jordan: Boom. Done. I love your Midwestern proclivity towards penny-pinching.

A Little Bit About Us.

Welcome to “Corn-Fed in the Big Apple.” This blog will be run by Jordan & Melissa, 2 hilarious girls hailing from the good ole Midwest. Before we start posting, we think it’s imperative you get to know us a little bit.

Melissa: A Green Bay gal, with a hearty laugh and a hunger for life. While this may sound like an ad for “largefriends.com” don’t read too much into it. You see, Midwestern women appreciate a good meal shared with family and friends, which actually means cooking BRAHHTS over da grill before the Pack plays, with your friend’s mom serving cheese curds in her wolf sweatshirt. I never really felt like I was too different from a lot of other girls…I prefer high heels over flats, enjoy wine and great book, cry at Steel Magnolias, watch LOST for the many profound, thought-provoking questions about life, yet drool over Jack and Sawyer. But I started to realize, things are a little different here in the Big Apple.

Jordan: I grew up in Shorewood, WI, just a stiff breeze away from Milwaukee. That breeze often carried the smell of barley and yeast, which I believe is the root of my alcoholism (much more on that later). While Shorewood was, by no means, a farm town, I am no stranger to deer hunting & school field trips where I learned the important art of making buttermilk and cheddar cheese. I’m the youngest in my family, which is how I explain my constant need to make jokes, be sarcastic & generally be the center of attention. Never mind that I am the youngest of 2. I think most psychologists would agree it’s all the same. I moved to NY a week after graduating from MU (where I met Melissa, but we didn’t actually become friends until we both made it to the city).

It was only after spending many-a-night getting shit-faced in a local watering hole we will henceforth refer to as “Sister Jenny’s,” we discovered something. We don’t belong here. And here is why: there are a few rules that we believe all Midwesterners learn:

1. When food is put in front of you, you eat. All. Only clean-plate members get to eat custard for dessert.
2. Practical footwear is a must. I don’t care if you’re going on a first date with someone hotter than you. No matter that your snow boots weigh 10lbs each and make you look like a lumberjack. If it’s snowing, the boots go on, no questions asked.
3. Drinking beer is always a good idea. Coming from Milwaukee, it stimulates the economy.
1. Beer and eggs compliment each other nicely.
4. Having a big ass and saddlebags is par for the course. You can’t possibly do manual labor as a size 2. Plus, with all that beer & fried food, it’s just physically impossible. No judgments.

The more time we spend here, the longer this mis-matched set of ideals seems to grow. So, in this blog, we'll not only add to this list, but regale you with our tales of woe, dating misfortunes, and the many ways 2 corn-fed girls don't really fit in the Big Apple.

We hope you enjoy laughing at our misadventures as we do. Please comment & let us know what you think!