Why Do The Gays Get Everything?!!?

As I'm sure you've all heard, a high school student, Constance McMillen, was forbidden to bring her girlfriend to prom this year. Melissa sent me this gem today:

Constance McMillen, the lesbian high school student embroiled in a legal flap over her school's prom policy, received a $30,000 scholarship on "The Ellen DeGeneres Show." / AP

I should have pretended to be a lesbian in high school. I think my dad would have bought me my own Chevy Tahoe and tuxedo if he was off the hook for $30K.

Seriously though, it seems like being gay is better than being black these days. From what I hear, it carries about the same weight as far as college applications go. That's ridiculous! Where are the scholarships for white girls who didn't need to over-come adversity, unless you count a muffin top & a prolonged awkward phase that lasted from ages 12 to 19?! I'm just saying, I deserved some monetary compensation for wearing over-sized t-shirts, a baseball cap & black stirrup pants for the better part of a decade.

Now that I'm thinking about it though, I did sort-of claim I was a lesbian on the Census this year. For 2 years, I've lived with my best-friend, Lauren. We spend a lot of time together & went to Hawaii this year on a romantic getaway (Travelocity.com messed up our reservation & we had to share a Queen bed. Like that's never happened to you before). 

As a result, we like to make inappropriate (and often ill-received) jokes about being lesbians/life-partners...To the point where people have asked us if we "like each other...or like-like each other." Because we're 10 years old, apparently.

So obviously, we thought the best (i.e. obviously worst) way to deal with these acusations would be to check "domestic partners" in the "Relationship" section of the census. (Take that, mom! I TOLD you I was straight!!)

I'm wondering if filing for Domestic Partnership comes with a tax break? If so, I'm ready to make this official.